


The Gift

by aduirne



Category: star wars the last jedi
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Discussion of Abortion, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Grief/Mourning, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Redemption, Pregnant Rey (Star Wars), The Force Ships It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-10
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-08-21 08:19:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,229
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16572977
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aduirne/pseuds/aduirne
Summary: After Leia's death, Rey and Kylo Ren meet through the bond and in her grief, Rey makes a decision she bitterly regrets...for a time.(I'm a fanfic virgin but a lifelong Star Wars fan.  I saw the original trilogy in the 70s so I am a bit old for Reylo trash but oh well...Reading your amazing Reylo works for almost a year inspired me.  Thank you.)





	1. The Opposite of Sleep

The Opposite of Sleep

She was on an opposite rotation, so he was getting up when she had collapsed into bed.  Sometimes she didn’t bother to use the ‘fresher before.  She’d fall into bed with disheveled hair and a smear of grease across her cheek.  Her work suit would be in a pile on the floor by her bed.  He assumed she was doing repairs.  She was a good of a mechanic as she was a pilot.  She could be so much more had she taken his hand. 

He’d study her sleeping face, wondering if she dreamed.  He could have easily probed her mind as she slept but he knew he had taken enough from her already.  And he had paid for that with the scar she had given him.  With the aching loss he fought to control every time he thought of what could have been.  She had given into him one time in a tangle of grief and loneliness, ashes, and tears.

_She had let him into her bed with the smell of smoke on her skin from his mother’s funeral pyre.  He had kissed her soot stained face, left bruises on her neck with his mouth, feeling a primal need to mark her in some way as she had marked him._

_He had tried to be gentle, but his desire had overridden that effort and he knew that he hurt her that night.  Yet she had met his thrusts with eager arms- wrapping them tightly around him as he took her._

_Afterward, they had awkwardly tried to arrange themselves in the narrow space; he was much too big to fit yet he did his best to curl around her feeling suddenly protective of the body he had just battered with his own selfish need.  His lips found the nape of her neck and she shuddered as he kissed her._

_When the bond severed them in the night and he woke up alone in his own bed, he whispered her name as the taste of smoke, and sex, and death lingered on him._

_He had dressed without washing.  He had wanted the previous night to linger on his senses as a reminder- as penance for defiling her solitary grief._

He looked to her neck to find the last traces of his work still there.  They would be covered by her suit during the day.  But him her thin sleeping shirt, he could see the purple marks fading to a minor discoloration.  It could be a smudge from her gloved hand as she worked.  Maybe a mark left when she pushed her hair back, surely nothing more.  Not the mark of the Supreme Leader on the Resistance’s Beacon of Hope.

It was impossible to expect her to allow him to ever touch her again.  She had made that clear.  The whole thing had been an error in judgment.  A moment of weakness.  She had not slept or eaten for a standard day and night before he appeared.  She had kept a close vigil by Leia’s pyre- not moving, not speaking.

Besides, a Jedi did not form such attachments _._

_Even when quivering under him as her climax rippled through her - intensified by the energy passing through the bond.  Even when she panted his name as he took her.  Even when his lip began to bleed where she had bitten it._

He made a fist with each gloved hand as he surveyed her sleeping form in the twilight one last time before he left his quarters.

The daytime was bearable.  She crawled into the bowels of the older units with BB8 chirping at her side handing her tools, offering unsolicited advice on repairs, and using his database of old x wing circuitry to assist in her work.  Sitting in the mess with her friends, she could almost forget the pain of her grief.  Almost.

_The night that came after when he found her darkened by smoke and ash- death redolent in her very being.  A keening cry had risen from her after 12 hours of silence.  A cry that did not sound human to anyone’s ears including her own.  The cry issued from her parched and aching throat.  The intensity of it made her lightheaded.  The only thing passing her lips that day had been what some of the pilots shared at the wake.  It had burned as much as the smoke._

_It had made her feel disembodied- something that she welcomed for a time. When she had made her way to her quarters, she had finally lost control.  And then he had come to her.  Those fever bright eyes boring into hers.  The whispered words and a hand smoothing her tangled hair as she had sunk against him…_ no, enough.

She saw him sleeping too.  He was using a wave synth device since his cycles must be interrupted going from planet to planet.  He must be on a one with a different rotation again.  He looked much younger asleep.  One arm tucked behind his head, the perpetual frown smoothed out, the hard planes of his torso marred by battle scars and a bowcaster shot.  His thick hair tousled over his brow in a way that begged to be smoothed but she got as far as leaning over him, her hand in the air before she came to her senses and backed away.  This man is actively trying to destroy everything she and her friends were trying to salvage.  He wouldn’t stop until they were ashes like his own mother.  He wouldn’t stop until he found them.  Until he found her.

She knew that this meant she would eventually have to leave her friends if she wanted them to stay alive.  The bond seemed to allow them to see more and more of one another’s surroundings.  It was only a matter of time before he figured out where they were hiding.

She’d had to tell them about the bond.  Leia had known.  Now that she was gone, Rey wondered if Poe and Finn would understand or even trust her.  She had let it go too long without telling them.  It was not a conversation she was ready to have yet.

He shifted in his sleep and she left before he could wake and see her.  She made her way to the mess for her morning meal, trying her best to look like she wasn’t thinking of how Ben Solo’s mouth felt against her neck.

 

 

 

 


	2. The In-betwen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a recurring nightmare and it pulls Ben to her side.

She hadn’t had the sandstorm dream in a long time.  He felt her panic as he came out of the ‘fresher that night.  They were now on a similar sleep/wake cycle again.  He had hoped the shower would help the soreness from training earlier and some of the pain had begun to recede under the pressure of the water when the bond opened, and he felt her dreaming voice cry out.

The dream was always the same.  A sandstorm was on the horizon and she was running for shelter, but she wasn’t fast enough.  She became engulfed in the storm.  The sand swirled around her like a living thing- a malevolent being intent on invading her.  It filled her nose and mouth.  It choked her and stung her eyes as she clawed at her throat gasping and coughing. 

She always woke up heaving great gulps of air with her eyes watering and her chest pounding.  She always woke up alone in the dark unsure of what was real.  This time, she wasn’t alone.  Ben was kneeling by her bed with an arm around her supporting her as she sat up.

It was a dream, he told her.  Just a dream.  She could breathe.  She was alright.  Deep and slow through your nose, out your mouth.  Like when you meditate.  Good, good.  You’re fine.  You’re safe.

She opened her eyes as she finally became fully awake to see him looking at her with what she assumed was concern- it was too dark to really see him clearly. She was still trying to convince herself she wasn’t covered in sand.  His hair was wet.  He was half dressed.  The heat from his shower still radiated off his body.  She averted her eyes. 

He went away to get her some water and the irony of the man who was leading untold numbers to destroy her and the Resistance telling her she was safe would have made her laugh if she could have at the moment-instead she realized how grateful she was that someone was there when she had the dream.  How many nights had she awakened on Jakku?  Struggling to catch her breath, trying to calm herself in the silence.

He returned with water which he held to her lips like one would a child, but she accepted it.  Her hands were shaking too much to hold it anyway.

She was aware of his body close to hers.  He was still without a shirt.  Wet curling tendrils of his hair were dripping on her.  She wanted so very much to rest her head against him for a moment.  She wanted to feel his arms around her.  She knew he felt the sentiment through the bond.  She didn’t have the wherewithal to put up her usual defenses.  But he also had to sense her reticence as well.  He remained where he was as she finished drinking the water.  He fought his own urge to touch her face.  Instead he withdrew the empty glass and got up.  She met his eyes briefly as he stood and whispered thank you.  His lips parted and before he could respond the bond pulled taut.  He was gone.  The only evidence of him were the drops of water on the floor by her bed. 


	3. Sometimes You Don't Make The Choice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It should have been an easy decision. There was no need to allow that mistake to stay with her the rest of her life.

She had assumed it was just something particularly awful from the previous night’s meal. It had been over quickly and then she felt fine. She asked around and no one else had been affected by dinner. It didn’t stop the usual complaints about the fare they were consuming, though. It was an easy target. Rations were sustaining them with the nutrition needed to keep them all going, but as time wore on, the resemblance to actual food on this planet or any planet became questionable. Sometimes it was little more than a paste on what some may consider “bread.” She found that consideration to be quite generous.

Still, Rey was used to subsisting on a level close to starvation at times, so she kept her mouth shut the next time she was ill. Maybe she had caught a bit of a virus. Living and working in close quarters made such things easy to catch. But again, no one else seemed affected. It wasn’t until she was two weeks late that the thought even occurred to her.

No.

Just no.

She had never been regular- another result of near starvation. But she wasn’t starving now, and she had out once she left Jakku.

Still…

She wanted to talk to someone. She thought of asking Rose, but then she’d be asked who the secret romance was with- she could almost see Rose’s face glowing at the question.

She’d just go to the medical bay. A droid could give her a quick and simple test.

Just to rule it out. Just so she could laugh about it when it was discovered all she needed was an anti-viral shot. And then she could go on with her work.

When she got the test results, she feigned illness and went to her quarters. She had options- for now. There was a shot she could get in the next 10 standard days. After that, there was a procedure she could have. She could put this all behind her and no one would ever know.

It should have been an easy decision. A ridiculously easy decision. Who their right mind wouldn’t end it if they were in her place?

That night had been a mistake that she worked hard to put out of her memory- which was difficult given that the bond drew them together at the most inopportune times. She’d feel his presence in meetings, curled up inside a fighter…she’d tell him go away or just ignore him. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes it didn’t. A brief exchange, terse and strained, then thankfully the Force would mercifully pull them apart again.

There was no need to allow that mistake to stay with her the rest of her life.

If she didn’t get rid of it, she’d never be able to stay with the Resistance. They’d want to know things that she couldn’t tell them if she wanted anyone to ever trust her again. No, she’d go back to the med bay tomorrow before her shift and get the shot.

He watched her that night- her body restless and her brow furrowed. She tossed and turned which was unusual for her. Most of the time it appeared she had sunk into bed without bothering to eat or wash. Something was bothering her enough to affect her sleep.

She didn’t go to the med bay the next day, or the day after.

She continued to have restless nights despite being exhausted. She continued to empty the meager contents of her stomach every morning. Dark circles soon appeared, and her friends noticed. She gave assurances that she was fine- she was just going through a particularly challenging period in her meditations. Every Jedi did. She’d work through it. She’d be alright. It was unclear to her if they really believed that. Reluctant smiles that reached no one’s eyes were the response to her too bright delivery. Rose was the one who finally took her aside and questioned her further.

She wanted so much to confide in someone. But telling Rose meant Finn would most likely know too, and then perhaps General Dameron. So, she continued the lie. But she had a feeling Rose knew better.

_If it is what I think it is, you don’t have any reason to be ashamed. Things like this happen with so many people in close quarters working under the threat of destruction every day. I’ve seen it before. It can be taken care of. There are precautions for next time. The implant takes a few seconds and lasts for years. You won’t need to think about it again._

There would never be a next time. Ever. But she just gave Rose a weak smile and didn’t respond.

After two standard weeks she made an appointment after her shift. She was told it would take very little time, be relatively painless, and she’d be fine for work the next day. She’d be given something for the bleeding and pain. She’d have to make sure she didn’t do any heavy lifting for a few days. She could just say she hurt her back. That was it. That was all.

She waited in a small room in a thin shift covered by an even thinner blanket. She was asked to lie back and take a few deep breaths. Someone would be right back.

_Your parents threw you away like garbage…_

_You come from nothing, you are nothing…_

She was still shaking when she got to her quarters. She curled up in bed and cried herself to sleep, cursing the moment she let Ben Solo ever touch her.

She had managed not to see anyone as she fled. She had left the rumpled shift and blanket on the floor after she had hastily put her own clothes back on and ran.

Poe was stone-faced as she told him in the airless room. An overhead light buzzed on and off and she longed to use The Force to put it out of its misery. The flickering light played off the General’s features making his expression even more unsettling.

_These things happen in war. We are facing the threat of our deaths every moment. Tell me who did this to you and I will make sure he faces discipline. Don’t protect someone who would take advantage of you in such a difficult time. Right after Leia’s death none of us were in our right minds. He should have known better. I saw you sharing drink with a few of them. Tell me which one, Rey. Tell me who did this. Let me take care of it._

She knew then that she could never tell him about the bond, her history of interactions with him, and how it came to be that she had let the man who imprisoned and tortured both of them share her bed. She’d go from being Rey, the sullied hero of the Resistance to a traitorous whore. She couldn’t bear to know what he’d do then. She told him that she had not been attacked or violated, that he was no longer on the base. No, she was no revealing his name. She had no desire for him to be disciplined or to know since it would never happen again.

Poe knew she didn’t need to leave the base to make arrangements. But he agreed to allow her two days leave. Maybe he assumed that she wanted to take care of this further away so no one found out.

The truth was, she planned on something very different. But he needn’t know. She left in another few days with only Poe, Finn, and Rose knowing why. Perhaps they told the others that she was on a secret mission. She assumed that must have been the word from the awed way they looked at her. She left still a symbol of their hope. She left with the weight of how she would disappoint them heavy in her heart.


	4. Cut Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She felt hollowed out and alone, so terribly alone- more than she had felt all those years on Jakku. 
> 
> But if she wanted to remain hidden, truly be nothing from nowhere again, it had been vital to do it. Let the threads of all those connections to the living things around her slip away.

She found a place so insignificant, so mundane, that no one would ever bother to look for her.  No one would bother to know her name.  She could work doing what she did best for the time being.  She could just blend in for now and accumulate as many credits as she could.  She found a rundown looking place to rent and unpacked her meager belongings.  It was cold so scavenger that she was, she had managed to find warmer clothing around the base and tuck them away.  Still, she could see now that it wouldn’t be enough.  She’d have to use her skills to scare up some extra layers.  In a place like this, it wouldn’t be difficult. 

The difficult part had come before she left.

Shutting herself off from the force.

She may as well have cut off an arm.

The pain of its absence was a physical thing that consumed her entire being. 

She felt hollowed out and alone, so terribly alone- more than she had felt all those years on Jakku. 

But if she wanted to remain hidden, truly be nothing from nowhere again, it had been vital to do it.  Let the threads of all those connections to the living things around her slip away.

Let the light that filled her and the darkness that swirled within drain from her being with a pain so sharp that it made her cry out with the loss of it. 

How had Luke borne this? How would she?

She clung to the hope that the life within her could grow to take its place.  At night in her narrow bed, she’d place a hand over her still flat belly and speak to her child. 

_We will find a place one day by the water.  There will be green growing things too.  You and I will walk hand and hand by the water and watch the waves.  We will dig in the sand and laugh in the sun.  You will always know you are loved.  It won’t be long little one.  Soon you will grow and kick inside me.  Soon your light will fill the space within.  Soon._

He felt her absence with a suddenness that shook him to the core because it could only mean one of two things.  If she was dead, then he had assumed that he’d die too because of the bond.  The other option was that she had cut herself off from The Force which was just as difficult for him to believe.  Did she regret their indiscretion so much that she’d go this far to never see or speak to him again?  Was she doing it to keep him from finding out their location?  Both were pointless.  He knew it was their destiny to meet again.  The Force willed it.  The Force had bound them together.  Why else did the bond remain after Snoke’s death?  She could hide from him for now, but not forever.  The same went for the Resistance.  One way or another, he’d find them. 

But the intelligence reports, the spies and informants revealed nothing.  Under the guise of catching the Resistance scum who killed the Supreme Leader, Kylo Ren was able to call upon legions of those loyal to him or loyal to the bounty he offered to scour every known planet occupied by humanoids. 

Yet the galaxy stretched out before him- devoid of any sign of the Jedi.  His search continued for months.  In the meantime, he routinely reached out to see if there was a trace of her in The Force.  A glimmer.  A whisper.  Anything.

It took all he had and sometimes he collapsed from the sheer energy he expended on the task. 

 

Nothing. 

 

It was if Rey of Jakku had never existed at all. 

 

It wasn’t long before the planes of his face became sharper, the deepening circles under his eyes more pronounced, and sleep became nearly impossible unless he was using a wave synth on the highest setting to induce it.  Even then, he’d wake feeling as if he’d just turned in.  The device didn’t guard against nightmares.

 

He saw her dead in a thousand different ways.  He saw her burning in a pyre like his mother, he saw her eviscerated before his eyes in battle, he saw her broken and bleeding as he cradled her head before the life left her eyes.  He tasted the ashes of the night they shared, he saw the bruises he gave her bloom and spread over her body until she was discolored and disfigured by his own desires. 

 

There was nothing left to do but look for her himself.

 


	5. The Best Laid Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Come lie with us. Feel how strong your daughter is. "

He was taken back by how big she has grown in the last 3 standard weeks he has been away.  She greeted him with a glowing smile as her hand unconsciously went to her middle, stroking it as she opened the door.  Pregnancy agrees with her, he thought.  He remembered only a few months ago when he finally tracked her down- cold and alone in that horrible place, just beginning to show under the layers of clothing she had on to keep warm.  He remembered feeling her fear even when she refused to show it.

But now she was warm and well fed, their child is healthy and growing.  She sent him the holos from the last checkup.  It showed their child floating in her safe little world, thumb in her mouth, traces of dark hair beginning to show on her head.  In two months, they would see her for real, hold her small body, stroke the tufts of dark hair, look into her eyes.  He couldn’t hardly wait.

Rey talked as she led him into the apartment.  She called herself a planet, saying all she needed were a few moons circling her.  He wanted to tell her that she was perfect- her body was a wonder to him as she carried the promise of a family he never thought he’d have and he knows he does not deserve.  But instead he followed her into the bedroom where she showed him the bed she had bought for their child.  She held up small saniwraps, tiny pieces of clothing in soft colors, impossibly little socks, and a stuffed Wookie she sewed herself.  Ben allowed a trace of a smile as he held the toy. 

He felt a mix of emotions wash over him as he remembered his own childhood with the real-life Wookie who had helped to raise him.  A twinge where he was hit with the bowcaster pulled at his side.  He handed the toy back to Rey and she placed it carefully on the miniature bed next to her own.  She told him it is made of material that molds to the body of the infant, supporting her so that she does not roll onto her stomach.  Babies are supposed to be put to bed on their backs, according to all that she has read on the subject. 

He doesn’t tell her of the nights he has spent poring over similar information on his datapad.  He doesn’t tell her that he has watched the prenatal holo seven times.  She turned and asked him if he is hungry because she is famished.  She is always hungry these days- and tired.  She took naps during the day.  She tried to get out and walk, and she even attempted to train, but her body won’t cooperate.  The service droid he got her prepared something and they sit down to eat. 

Ben studied her under his lashes as he leaned over his meal.  He is usually quieter than she is on these visits- the whole idea of being a parent still hasn’t sunk in yet.  It is a secret he cannot share with anyone but Rey.  He longed to talk to someone about all that went through his mind- the questions, the fears, the constant nagging worry that he will fail as a father like he knows he failed as a son.  But there is no one, so he just read what he could and then went to work trying to untangle the complicated policies and procedures that have made the First Order the most feared entity in the galaxy. He didn’t want his child to grow up with that reality.  He didn’t want anyone’s child to. 

He hated that it has taken this to make him see what he has wrought on the children of billions. 

He hated himself for doing the right things for such blatantly selfish reasons. 

Once they finished their meal and the service droid cleared the table, Rey stood up and then made a little sound “Oof” she laughed and put her hand to her middle _._

_She’s kicking like crazy.  Here._

 She took his hand and pressed it to her belly.  It felt tight and hard.  It is the first time he has touched it- the first time he has touched her in months.

They have had a series of interactions that swing between cautious and polite, each not exactly sure what to say or do at times.  There is no protocol for any of this.   There is no advice anyone can give them.  They stumbled through it awkwardly at times, but Rey always managed to break through his studied reserve he maintained around her these last few meetings. 

His hand was large enough to spread out over the expanse of her belly, as her smaller one covered it.  He felt his daughter kicking under his palm.

  _I’m here._

He let out a long shuddering breath.  The bond snapped open and she felt his wonder and his pride.  But there were undercurrents of something else, a melancholy, a longing. Ben raised his eyes from their hands to her face.  She beamed at him and he couldn’t help but smile back- just a little.   She reached up to his face with her other hand and traced the line of his scar.  He closed his eyes and leaned into her caress for a moment.  He wanted so much to hold her close, tell her how much he is looking forward to this child- but he simply opened his eyes and slowly cut off the rush of emotions flowing between them.  She felt it and confusion played across her face. 

_After all this, you cannot trust me._

_I need time.  I’m doing the best I can._

Rey sighed.  She told him she needed to get some bigger things to wear these last 2 months.  Just one or two things.  She’s used to wearing the same clothes over and over again.  He thought she’d never give up her arm wraps and desert attire.  But the climate on this planet is more temperate.  She doesn’t have to bundle up to keep warm all of the time, not does she need to protect herself from a brutal sun or burns from scavenging hot metal.  A breeze came through the door leading out to the terrace.  They walked out and took in the view of the moons reflected in the nearby lake.   The lights in the structures around it winked on.  Overhead, they saw ships arriving and departing the nearby docking station.  The place she is in is near enough to the city for convenience, but on the edge of it where the lake meets the foothills of the mountains.  She still marveled at the greenery of it all- the expanse of water just a short walk away.  He had chosen this location carefully with all of that in mind for her. She had an account with enough credits to cover whatever she needs, but she still seems to seek his permission to simply get more to wear.  He felt a stab of guilt that she still thought like she was back on Jakku after all this time. 

_You’re nothing- but not to me._

He told her to get whatever she needs.  She doesn’t have to clear it with him.  She said she has decided on a name.   She wanted to call their daughter Nala.  It meant “gift” in one of the local languages on Jakku.  It’s perfect.  She is their gift.  Their peace offering.  He told her Nala is a beautiful name.  He wanted to give her the rest.  Nala Organa Solo.  But he knew right now that is impossible.  She will simply be Nala as Rey is simply Rey.  He wondered if she’d ever take his name either.

Rey closed her eyes and took in the night.  He marveled at her ability to enjoy the simplest of pleasures.  He remembered her excitement when he showed her this place- the ‘fresher was the biggest one she had ever seen and there was an enormous tub!  Separate from the shower.  Meant just for soaking.  She had almost swooned.  He remembered her face when she laid on the bed for the first time.

  _It’s so huge.  And so soft.  Like I am lying on a cloud.  I could stay here and never get up.  This will make me lazy Ben!_  

Even now, when she called him by his name he felt a thrill go through him.  She is the only one left who used that name…

He realized she had started talking but he was too lost in thought to hear her.  He caught _birth center_ and gets that she is deciding where to have their child.  The local hospital had a small department for humanoids.  There are places nearby with a larger population and better equipped facilities.  She has been researching it on the holonet.  He had not considered that when he chose this location. 

He had been thinking of somewhere lush and green that was a neutral planet where she would not draw attention.  He knows there are those still are looking for her- employed by his own people.  He knows holos of her have been widely distributed on the major planets.  He chose this place because it seemed removed from it all.  He wanted her to carry their child in relative peace; but the thought of her suffering the same fate as his grandmother giving birth is enough to pierce him with a pain that is almost physical in nature.  He doesn’t know what he’d do if he lost her.  He agreed that she should deliver somewhere else.  He said he will make the necessary arrangements.  There are bribes he can pay, people he can make forget so that she can deliver somewhere safer without attracting attention.

 He knew he could not be there when she does and while they both regret it, they know it is safer for all of them that way.  He already took a risk coming to see her like this- but seeing her through the bond is no longer enough.  He needed to be in the same space, breathe the same air.  It sustains him. 

Her shoulders lost the tension she didn’t know she was holding after the decision is made.  She turned to him, hands spread over her belly. 

_What will we do after?  Is it safe for me to stay here?  Where will I go?_

The same questions plague him deep into the night.  He is working on the galaxy being a safe place where there is no price on her head, no war between their factions, but it is fraught with the complicated bureaucracy that comes with anything as massive as the First Order.  He must be subtle and clever or Hux and his followers will stage an all-out rebellion.  He is slowly replacing edicts and orders with treaties and negotiations.  Slaves on several planets are now under contract with wages, decent living conditions, and options to relocate.  Refugees are being fed and given adequate shelter.  Planets formerly stripped for their resources and left a ruined husk are being terra formed and their population compensated.  He does these things under the guise of getting everyone to willingly be on the side of the First Order instead of joining the growing Resistance, but really, he is doing it for her.  He does not want his daughter to know a galaxy where such things have become commonplace because of him and his predecessors.  Being free of Snoke has cleared his mind for what is most likely the first time in his life.  The darkness still pulls at him- it probably always will, but he no longer feels consumed by it.  He no longer feels it boiling beneath the surface as if it will blister his flesh.  There is a small flicker of light within him and her name is Nala.

He told her he is still making arrangements, but she can stay here as long as she likes.  He knew she loved it here.  He saw it in the way she talked about her walks, the city, and how she looked at the water.

  _Either this or by an ocean.  I’d love to be somewhere I could swim in it.  Do you know how to swim?  I think I would like to learn._

He pictured her on a beach holding a small child, laughing and running from the breaking waves.  Yes, the ocean would be nice as well. 

 Again, he fought the urge to put his arms around her and beg her to just _go_ with him.  From here, from the First Order, from The Resistance, from all of it.  Go somewhere unknown and live by the water to raise their child alone in peace.  But he knew doing that would be a selfish act.  It would eventually put them all at a greater risk if Hux filled a power vacuum. He has been selfish long enough.  He leaned on the railing and they watched the stars in silence.  She made that sound again.  The baby was kicking. 

_Always before I turn in.  I swear she knows when I am ready to go to sleep._

It isn’t late, but Rey was tired, and she headed back in to get ready for bed. 

He has only stayed the night once before.  He slept on the couch in the main room.  It is big enough even for him, and he is used to sleeping when and where he can.  He listened to her in the ‘fresher as she prepared for bed.  He knew he would be up most of the night, doing research for a new location for her, reviewing the latest communications from those he left in charge, and of course, reading up on newborn humans. 

She came to say good night before she turned in.  She was wearing a loose shift that came just below her knees.  It was a soft gray color and he saw the outline of her belly as well as the rest of her.  Her hair was loose from its mourning braid- something she began wearing after Leia died, and it hung over her shoulders.  She was the loveliest thing he’d ever seen, and he wanted to shout to the whole galaxy that she was carrying _his_ child, that she was with _him_ instead of figuring out where to hide her next.  He stood as she approached, her hand once again resting on her belly as his daughter kicked, and she once again held his hand to it. 

_Come lie with us.  Feel how strong your daughter is._  

He knew her offer to share her bed is nothing more than just that- she wanted him to make the most of the time they have because they aren’t sure if he will be able to come back before the birth.  He had a feeling she knew he was reading about childbirth and infants, sometimes he doesn’t switch screens on the datapad fast enough when she enters the room.  He doesn’t know why he feels the need to hide it, why he felt the need to hide all that he did- but in this moment, he won’t back away.  He followed her into the bedroom.

Rey lay on her side and he did the same behind her, but not close enough to quite touch.  She took his hand and put it over her body, so he could feel the baby kick.  She pressed it there as if he would pull away if she didn’t.  She leaned back against him and he shifted a fraction closer.  His whole body was tense.  He remained fully dressed.  He took a deep breath, willing himself to relax.  She sensed his discomfort.

  _Ben it’s ok.  I’m not asking anything more.  Just be here with me.  With us.  I know how much you already love her._  

Those last words seared his heart.  Of course, she knew he’d watched the prenatal holos 7 times.  She knew about the reading he’d been doing, the changes he’d been making.  She knew it was for the child.  She knew it was for them.  It told her all that he couldn’t say out loud.   The bond opened, and he felt her gratitude, her faith in him.  He felt what _she_ doesn’t put into words.  He moved closer, molding his body around hers.  His lips brushed against her hair and he whispered her name.  She pressed against his body and his fingers entwined in her own as they felt their daughter kick.

 


	6. Lost and Found

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not the Rey he encountered a few short months ago. The fear and hesitation is gone. She has claimed him for herself tonight, and he knew now there can be no turning back.

Sometime in the middle of the night, she had shifted to lie on her back.  His arm was slung across the space between her breasts and belly.  He still faced her- strands of her hair caressed his cheek.  He moved between waking and sleeping.

 She turned to face him, fingers once again tracing the scar where she marked him.  Her fingers trailed to his lips. 

 _I’ve always thought you had the most beautiful mouth_. 

He doesn’t know if she said it out loud or not, but he heard it just the same.  Her own lips pressed to his.  He was awake.  The kiss was slow and languorous at first.  He sunk into it with her as she ran her fingers through his hair.  It has grown longer in the past few months.  She liked it. He felt her tongue lick his lower lip before she began to gently suck on it.  And then he was lost.

It wasn’t the drunken frenzied coupling that began all of this.  This was like moving under water.  This had another motive entirely.  She began undressing him, kissing the skin she exposed.  Her name was the sweetest word he’d ever uttered.  When there wasn’t much more to go, he drew her shift over her head and worshiped her what he saw with his lips.  She stroked him, leaking and hard before lowering herself onto his body and he felt her, slick and ready.  She put her hands on his shoulders to steady herself before she began to move.  Her eyes never left his and they were fever bright like they were the last time.  He watched her, trying to savor the vision of her body round and ripe, her small breasts jutting out and begging for his touch, her mouth slightly open as she took her pleasure from him.  She broke the gaze as she threw her head back, and one hand reached down to touch herself as she moved.  He gripped her hips and began to match her thrust for thrust, wondering how long he could continue before he went over the edge.  He felt her climax mounting as she moved faster against him.  Then she was crying out and the tensing of her body deep inside around him brought him to the precipice.  He thrusted harder into her, groaning and gasping.  And then he was there, letting out a long shuddering which is cut short by her mouth on his.

This is not the Rey he encountered a few short months ago.  The fear and hesitation is gone.  She has claimed him for herself tonight, and he knew now there can be no turning back.  There will be no more uneasiness as they move forward.  He will touch her when the urge comes to him.  He will press his lips to her and feel her sigh under his caress.  He may not be able to tell the galaxy he is hers, but he can tell her every time his mouth finds hers.

They resumed the position they had when they came to bed, this time there is no space between them.  He loved the feeling of the three of them curled up around one another in their own small world.  His lips lingered over her shoulder and traveled up her neck.  He savored the way she shivered under his mouth.  He wanted to stay awake, so he could make every moment last as he caressed her, but he felt sleep claiming both of them. 

 _I want to sleep like this every night, Ben.  I want you touching me._  

He concurred. 

For all of times they both endured lying alone and abandoned, he will hold her and hope it is enough to banish the pain of those nights from their hearts.  He knows she still fears abandonment- especially when she was turned out by those that she considered family.

 Yet, despite those fears that plagued her she had left, gone into hiding, and cut herself off from The Force so he couldn’t find her through the bond.

 He remembered how he would be in a meeting or on the bridge and then suddenly, he had no idea what was being said, or going on around him.  _Where are you?  Why did you leave?_  

 His own investigations had finally led him to a mountain village and a complex where a young woman was working doing repairs on all manner of droids, transporters, weapons, tools and everything in between. 

She was resourceful and clever.  She was quiet and hard working.  Her reputation had quickly grown beyond the village.  Her expertise had gained a steady client base.  In a place where resources were few, everyone made do with what they had for as long as they could.  This girl could make Empire era equipment and droids practically new. 

A few questions about where he could get his service droid repaired has led him to her door.

Dressed in layers of what were little more than rags and coveralls that had seen better days, she had opened her door warily knowing before she did who it was.  The bond may have been closed, but Rey sensed him all the same.  The tall hooded figure in her viewport could only ever be him.  Despite the obscurity of this place, Ben had found her.

There was no fear or shock. Her spine had been straight, she had that defiant tilt to her chin he had begun to know well, and one hand had unconsciously stroked her protruding belly.  It was he who was overcome with shock.  He had played out this moment in his mind hundreds of time.  This had never been how he imagined it would be.  He fought to keep his mouth from gaping open.  He fought to remain standing upright.  His eyes roamed from her belly to her face, unable to speak, almost unable to breathe.

 _Hello, Ben.  Somehow, no matter what I did, I knew you’d find us_.

Us.

The two of them.

He knew why she had fled and cut herself off from the force.  Snoke had seen the power in him almost before he was born and used him for his own gain.  What was to stop him from doing that to a child who could be the most powerful one in the galaxy.  Born of two force users, the possibilities were incredible.  But that thought never entered his mind. 

She is carrying a child.  My child.  Our child. _Ours_.  This was not part of the plan.  There was never a consideration of such a thing.  The Supreme Leader as a parent.  The Supreme Leader as a father.  It had taken him a long time to say anything.  She had turned and gone inside her dilapidated unit.  She had sat down on a piece of furniture that really should have been burned and regarded him with an almost quizzical look on her face.

_So do you take me to one of your ships?  Force me to give birth in restraints before taking her away?_

_She?_

_Yes.  We are going to have a daughter._

_Why would you think I’d take her away?_

_Isn’t that the most logical choice for you?  She’s a child of two force users.  She would make a perfect weapon for the First Order, don’t you think?  She’d be the perfect weapon against The Resistance.  Against me._

_You ran away from your Resistance, you cut yourself off from The Force.  You hid in this horrible place doing repairs and freezing because you were afraid of what I’d do to you and our child._

_You were afraid if I knew…there would be a chance she’d turn out like me._

Those last words had cut them both.  She had called him a monster once and he had agreed.  He knew what he was.  Had been.

 It was why she had loathed herself so much after that night.  He had felt it come off her in sickening waves the next time the bond opened.  She had hardly been able to look at him.  Arms hugging her knees, almost rocking when she said it.

_A mistake.  That night with you was a terrible mistake.  I can barely live with myself.  I can barely look at you.  Just go away. Leave me alone.  You are never going to touch me again.  You hear me?  Touch me again and I swear I will give you more than a scar Ben Solo, saber or not.  I will tear you to pieces with my own two hands._

And now?  And now.  Her body pressed against him.  His hand roamed over her breasts and belly unable to get enough of touching her.  If they never had sex again he thought he’d be content just to touch her.  Just to know he could.  He fell asleep with his daughter’s fluttering kicks under his hand.


	7. Hidden in Plain Sight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were no visitors bearing toys or gifts. No holo messages from loved one far away. Just the two of them gazing in wonder at the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments on my "virgin" fanfic. It has been so much fun to write. I'm glad someone else out there has enjoyed it.

He couldn’t be there when she gave birth.  They were already pushing their luck with him accompanying her on the last checkup.  They had relied on the knowledge that everyone saw what they wanted to see- and no one expected the quiet serious man in local attire to be the Supreme Leader.  No one expected the man who, despite his large frame looked younger than his years with his dark hair tumbling over his brow with his large features and big hand which he never quite knew what to do with when standing by her side.  And the woman with him, could certainly not be the hope of the Resistance with her braid tucked up neatly on her head and no family name to give them.

Rey J367-228 gave birth to Nala J367-228, a female humanoid, 50.8 centimeters long and weighing 2.95 kilograms. She had dark eyes and darker hair, a set of very healthy lungs, and an equally healthy appetite.

There were no visitors bearing toys or gifts.  No holo messages from loved one far away.  Just the two of them gazing in wonder at the other.

Nala fed and slept as Rey drifted in and out of consciousness.  The pain blockers were wearing off and she felt tender and sore.  She ran her hands down the new contours of her body wondering if she’d ever feel like she’d have the energy to wield her staff or saber again…

He whispered her name, but she was immediately awake.  The unit was quiet in the middle of the night.  She heard the random sound of a service droid outside the door, the murmur of a voice down the corridor, and the soft steady sound of an air vent.  

Ben was in his usual First Order attire, gloves and all, she noted.  He looked as if he had attended an official function.  His was clean shaven and his usually unruly waves were smoothed back.  For once, Rey mused, she didn’t have to resist the urge to push a recalcitrant lock in place.

He removed his gloves as he came toward the bed, his eyes glowing expectantly.  Rey pulled the blanket back so he could see their daughter.  It was a regret of them both that it had to be through the bond, but she would take what she could- she had no other choice.

His lips parted as he drew in a breath.  She was the most beautiful thing in the galaxy.  He marveled at the perfect arc of an eyebrow, the sweet pucker of her lips.  He caressed the dark wisps with the tip of his finger- it was all he’d dare through the bond.  To hold her and then be pulled apart was a cruelty even he couldn’t endure.

His eyes met Rey’s and she saw tears glistening in the corners.  He closed them briefly fighting to regain control.  Rey reached for his hand and he clasped it before the bond began to sever them.

_I’ll come for you soon_

_Hear that? Your father is coming to see you.  You have his hair color and his mouth.   Let’s hope you don’t have his temper, dear one.  Let’s hope the light shines bright in you._

Rey pressed her lips to her daughter’s cheek.  Then she drifted back to sleep.

He came to them two standard weeks later.  It was late, and Rey had been waiting up, but sleep won out for both of them.  As he entered the atmosphere, she felt him- the anticipation, the worry.  What if his daughter didn’t take to him?  What if she took one look at him and cried?

He had taken off as soon as he possibly could- still wearing the intimidating dress of the Supreme Leader.  He had searched for something less imposing and found very little.  He usually disguised himself on visits with a long dark cloak which wasn’t exactly what he wanted to wear seeing Nala for the first time either.

He found a dark blue tunic and put in on en route, hoping it would be less terrifying than his usual black.

This was not something he was used to worrying about.  Kylo Ren was meant to intimidate and frighten people.  Being Ben Solo was a bit more challenging.  Being a father was more complicated that he’d ever imagined.  Maybe that is why Han had been gone so much…

Rey felt the swirl of thoughts and emotions with greater intensity as Ben drew closer.  She held Nala whispering that her father was coming.  She told her how tall and strong he was.  She told her how much he wanted to see his girl as she stroked her daughter’s hair and looked into her luminous dark eyes. 

And then he was there.

His framed occupied the doorway and then the room as it always did.  Rey found the sparsely furnished living space always dwarfed by Ben’s presence.  He held out his arms for Nala with the look of a child expecting a long-awaited present.  Rey happily obliged.

The two regarded one another for a moment- each taking the other in.  Rey felt his awe and joy pulse around them like a living thing.  It almost took her breath away with its intensity. 

She was feeling joy from Ben Solo.

He whispered his child’s name like he had after her birth and pressed his lips to the top of her fuzzy head reveling in the feel of her.  The smell of her skin was intoxicating.  Rey smiled thinking of the hundreds of times she had done the very same thing in the last few weeks.  It was something she never grew tired of doing.

They sat down with Ben still holding his daughter- both enraptured by the other.  Nala waved a chubby fist at him and he caressed it tenderly.  She grabbed his finger and held firm.

He was lost in her.   The light of his love for his daughter seemed to fill the room.  Rey could feel the glow within herself and she almost wept with it.

They spoke in whispers as Nala began to drift to sleep.  Even staring at this interesting man with the same dark eyes was not enough to keep her awake anymore.  They spoke of sleep habits, feedings, which of them they saw in her face, and how much she loved FL-574’s galaxy projections on the ceiling at bedtime.

_I’ve actually taken to calling him Fel.  He’s quite chatty for a standard service model.  I wonder if Nala will learn to understand binary._

Rey also wondered if their child felt anything in The Force yet, if she’d always be such a good sleeper, and how tall she’d grow.

A stuffed bantha and a soft plush blanket were produced from Ben’s bag as gifts for Nala. 

A small box was presented to Rey.

The sphere not big.  Both it and the chain it was on were a burnished silver.  He knew Rey would not be one for jewelry, so he had kept it the design plain and nondescript.  The piece was rather unremarkable in fact, until the sphere swiveled open.

The gem inside used to be found deep in the mountains of Alderaan.  The pale purple stone was cut so that the facets reflected the smallest visible light making it look as if it was lit from within.  It was mounted to look as if it were floating against the interior of the sphere which was lined with the muted luster of a metal found on Chandrila.  There wasn’t much of it around anymore, so finding enough for the piece had been a challenge.

Both the stone and the metal inside were exemplary in their craftsmanship.  The piece alone could have bought at least a dozen x wings.

It was a rare and precious thing- hidden inside a sphere no larger than her thumbnail.  The significance and thought Ben had put into the piece was not lost on Rey.  She was speechless.

She reached for him, tears welling in her eyes.  Clutching her gift, she knew it said all the things he could not put into words.  He entreated her not to cry.  They were together for a time; she and their daughter were safe.  There had been enough tears already.  

Besides, the gift was nothing compared to what she had given him. 

They were a family now.

_And if something happens to me, you can sell that for enough credits so that you and Nala can live on it for as long as you need.  You won’t ever want for anything._

Then he kissed away her tears.

When the time was right, he wanted his daughter to have a name.  He wanted the galaxy to know her.  Nala Organa Solo would know who she was and from which she came.

_She’ll always know, Ben.  No matter what her name is, or where we are.  She will know her own blood.  She won’t be like me._

She never had to be no one from nowhere.  She would never wonder if she had ever been wanted or loved.

Ben wanted to ask Rey if she would have his name as well.  Rey had loved and respected Leia.  He thought she’d like to take her name as part of her own.  He tried not to think of how much they both wished Leia could see her granddaughter.  It remained unspoken but they both felt the absence and the pain of the loss at this moment through the bond.

His mind was eased knowing Rey wanted him in their lives.  Not only as a father, but she continued to want _him_. 

He wrapped his arms around her and rested his chin on the top of her head.  She laid her head on his shoulder and apologized for probably getting spit up on his clothes.  They stayed that way until Nala made her presence known and Rey went to feed her.

Rey was still wearing the loose clothing she had worn during pregnancy, but Ben could still see the outline of her breasts, the still soft curve of her belly when she moved a certain way, and the small swell of her hips.  He knew she didn’t feel particularly appealing at the moment with a braid coming undone down one shoulder, but he didn’t care.  Her skin was glowing, her eyes were bright with the joy of their reunion and he wanted nothing more than to lie down beside her and kiss every part of her that he could get his hands on. 

He watched as she pulled her tunic down and pushed her breast band aside to feed their daughter.  She had told him that unlike some babies, Nala had latched on immediately and feeding her was one of the easier aspects of new parenthood- except when it was in the middle of the night.  Fel helped with general domestic tasks while keeping a stream of commentary on proper childrearing from his database in his chirping binary.  Rey admitted to powering him down when it got too much, but only after he had seen to the washing.

She put Nala to bed and came back to the main room where he was now sitting and nestled close to him, almost sitting in his lap.  She idly fingered the sphere resting against her breast bone and thought that she felt something she hadn’t felt much in her life. 

She felt happy.

There was still technically a war going on, but the reports of actual battles had become scarce in the last few months.

She saw the stories on the holonet about the policy changes The First Order was implementing.  She saw the newly terra formed planets, the homes being built for war refugees, and the treaty signing ceremonies.  Kylo Ren’s image wasn’t seen on any of them.  Sometimes she’d catch a stone faced Hux among the First Order officials.  He was clearly not in agreement with the direction everything was taking.  It was creating problems.  Ben didn’t share what they were, but on the last few visits, she had had overheard heated exchanges with Hux’s dreadful image in the middle of the night when he thought she was asleep. 

Ben stroked her hair and neck, then leaned over to kiss her behind the ear where he knew it would make her shiver.  It had the desired effect immediately.  Rey pulled away to look at him as if to confirm his intentions.  She was a mess.  Her clothes and hair looked as if she had battled a Luggabeast and lost.  To Ben, she was always beautiful.  She had been on Takodana in all her fury.  She had been in the Throne Room with her teeth bared in a murderous rage.  Rey had always been beautiful to him because she was Rey.  He opened the bond and let those images flow between them.  He had always been in awe of her.  He always would be.  She lunged forward and kissed him hard.

She sucked on his lower lip like she knew he liked and was rewarded with a low growl.  Ben’s hands slip up her tunic and pulled down her breast band, his hands exploring the new contours of her body.  She gasped as his thumb rubbed against her nipple making it hard.  She pulled the tunic and band off and then reached for his clothes, her mouth never leaving his.  He could feel her desire pull taut through the bond.  It had been too long, and she needed to touch him again.  They pressed together hands rediscovering the shape of the other.  She ran a delicate finger over the hard planes of his torso and then playfully circled one nipple as he had done to her, wondering if they were sensitive.  His reaction told her all she needed to know.

They spent the next half hour touching, tasting and holding each other.  It was still sometimes new and awkward at times.  Neither of them had known anyone else.  There had been no adolescent trysts to guide them.  There had been no one at that age who confided their own experiences or gave them advice, and there was only so much one could learn from datapads and holos. Ben and Rey relied the reaction of the other to guide them.  They had been together just a few times.  With sex not currently being an option so soon after childbirth, they tried other ways of pleasing their partner. 

It was wonderful. 

He showed her how to stroke him the way he enjoyed, pulling the foreskin back to expose the sensitive tip, then moving it all the way up again.  She was clumsy and shy at first as if she was afraid she’d damage him, the skin there was so soft…but he demonstrated handling himself so roughly she was almost afraid to imitate him…almost.  There had been whispers among the women on Niima outpost about how to do such things, but she had never even seen a man undressed until now, never touched anyone. 

She remembered hating how Finn had grabbed her arm when they met.  She had recoiled at being touched since it was something intimate, foreign, and reserved for someone close to the other.  But once she got used to being around others who were her friends, others who loved her, Rey found it was something she welcomed and had begun to crave.  She never got enough of stroking Nala’s perfect baby skin.  And she never got enough of touching Ben.

Her confidence increased when she saw his reaction to what she was doing.  It made her feel powerful- not like when she wielded a ‘saber or her staff.  This was something altogether different.  She kept her eyes locked on him until he closed his eyes and let out a groan as his orgasm pulsed through his whole body. 

Once he recovered, she leaned forward to kiss him softly, slowly, dragging his lower lip between her teeth in a less aggressive gesture than their first night where she had tasted his blood on her tongue.  He undid what was left of her braid to bring her hair down like a curtain around her face and shoulders.  He kissed the hollow of her throat before pushing aside her clothes to go lower.  His tongue dipped into her belly button and she shrieked, which woke Nala.  Putting her clothes back in order, he backed away and got up to tend their daughter.

_Later_

It was a simple word, but it held the promise that there would be a later.  A time when they could be together as a family, hopefully for good.  They had talked about what to do next.  It was agreed that she needed to stay where she was for a time.  There were things he needed to work out, he told her.  But he was making plans.  She didn’t like not knowing what they were, but he didn’t want to put her in danger. 

_If you don’t know, you can’t give anything away were Hux or someone loyal to him were to find and ask you.  It is highly unlikely, everything from the craft I use to the landing codes are untraceable, but he’s a devious snake and I wouldn’t put anything past him.  He knows I’m hiding something…something big.  He just hasn’t figured out what yet.  If we are lucky, he won’t know until it is too late for him and the others._

Rey had a good idea of what he was planning, but she didn’t say so.  She wanted to have some time with their daughter in this tranquil place, doing nothing but loving her and not being Rey The Jedi.  There would be time enough for that in the future if the Force willed it.

The next two months passed in relative calm.  Ben came when he could, which was not nearly as often as he wished.  Rey would always know when he broke the atmosphere.  It was almost always at night.  She’d wake, spinning the small sphere that rested between her collar bone, anticipation making her almost jump out of her skin.

_Wait until your Dada sees you have a tooth._

_He’s going to be thrilled when you blow bubbles for him._

_You keep kicking those little legs of yours like you want to walk.  Don’t try it around Fel.  He’s worried enough about you as it is._

_I sent a holo of you turning over, but you will show him when he comes won’t you?  My big, strong girl.  Lan-madir, my shining one._

And Nala _did_ shine.  The light from within her was unlike anything Rey had felt in the Force before.  It emanated from her eyes, her smile, and it took up the entire room when she laughed. 

Is this what a child of two Force users was supposed to be like?  No datapad, no holos, no dusty ancient texts could tell her.  She hoped that her daughter’s light would always shine and that it would not attract the darkness which she feared would rise to meet it.  She still felt it in Ben.  Not the roiling, burning rage that threatened to leak out of his very pores and consume everything around him-she remembered feeling that the first time and being sick with its ferocity.  But she could sense it in him still.  He struggled even now, despite Snoke’s death.  He probably always would.  Perhaps that is why he was doing all that he did to make changes in the galaxy.  Not just to make it a better place for their child, but for him as well. 

The latest visit was again at night.  Nala seemed to sense him getting closer now as well. When Rey awoke this time, her daughter was in her bed looking up at her expectantly, blowing little bubbles with her father’s perfect lips.

The visit was brief.  Ben lent his fingers to his daughter’s grasp as she looked up at him and kicked her chubby legs.  She wanted to be UP and MOVING.  Her frustration manifested itself as a pucker between her arcing brows that reminded Rey of her father when they had battled.  That quiet persistence in the interrogation room.  She saw the same resolve in her daughter.  She was thankful Nala directed her efforts into more productive things like short circuiting Fel when he saw her trying to grasp the table leg near her blanket which sent the cutlery on top flying. (How had she wriggled that close to the table?)

The day was coming when Ben would be making his plans known to her.  He said as much that night as she lay against his chest, tracing a lazy finger across his skin.  He had done all he could to make the First Order move in a direction that relied on diplomacy instead of force and fear.  He had battled the bureaucracy that even the Supreme Leader could not seem to circumvent.  Hux and his faction fought him at every turn, spreading whispers that Kylo Ren was weak without Snoke, that he was betraying his grandfather’s legacy, that he was hiding something which would destroy them all.  The propaganda worked well enough that he knew they were attempting to either oust him or simply kill him.  The time was fast approaching to put his plan into action and then let the consequences play out as the Force willed. 

_No matter what happens, you and Nala will be safe.  I’ve seen to that.  Your friends will be safe.  I need you to trust in me on that Rey.  I need you to know I will not let you down.  I may not always be able to be by your side, but I’d never willingly abandon you or our daughter. You are my only family now.  You are the only ones in the galaxy who mean anything to me._

He never came out and said _I love you._ She had stopped wondering if he ever would.  Ben wasn’t one to express such sentiments in words.  She felt his emotions through the bond when they were running particularly high, and she knew his actions spoke for all the things he still could not say.  It was enough.  It had to be.  She shifted so that she was straddling him and lowered her mouth to his collar bone, tracing the route her fingers had taken with her lips.  With a noise that seemed very much like a growl, he sat up and flipped them over so he was above her, his mouth covering hers with an intensity that left them both breathless.  She reached down to guide him inside her.

_It’s been too long._

_I don’t want to hurt you.  Let me get you ready.  Let me touch you first._

_I can’t wait.  I need this as much as you do.  Trust me I AM ready._

Ever since their first encounter, he had been careful not to hurt her.  His need for her was always tempered with restraint.  But tonight Rey was having none of it.  She whispered what she wanted him to do in his ear and he took her wrists in his own and claimed her body as she raised her hips to meet each thrust.  His eyes never left hers as he savored the feeling of being inside her.  He did his best to pace himself, but the way she was moving and the things she was saying (where had she heard _that_?) made waiting much longer impossible.  Her orgasm began as a slow rippling deep within.  Through the bond, sex was intensified as they felt one another’s pleasure cycling between their bodies.  They couldn’t exactly feel the same things, but an echo of it ran like an energy wave back and forth them and it was enough to push Rey over the edge first.  He looked down at her face as she cried out. Seeing her like this always intensified his own pleasure. It didn’t take long for Ben after that…which was a good thing. 

Because Nala’s cries came from the other room.

She was either hungry or needed changing.

Snapped out of their post coital glow, Rey and Ben scrambled to put something on and see to their daughter. 

This was a pattern they were quickly getting used to as new parents.

 

 

 

 


	8. A Sort of Homecoming

The year anniversary of Leia’s death came and went with Rey silent and distracted.  Nala failed to charm a smile from her usually doting mother. 

Rey’s mind was on the night after her funeral and how the events of that night had so dramatically changed the course of her life.

One day she was the Jedi, the bright hope of the Resistance.  A beacon in a time of darkness- or so the propaganda said.

Then one day she was taking what little she had and turning away from the closest thing to a family she’d ever had. 

She never expected to form one of her own. 

She held Nala and stared out at the lake, wondering what Ben was doing today.  Wondering if he was thinking of that night.  The bond was silent in the last few days.  There had been no holos.   It made her uneasy.

Across the galaxy, Ben was arguing recent policy changes with Hux, wondering how he had managed not to kill him yet.  His plan was ready to put into action.  He couldn’t safely buy any more time before he was either ousted or assassinated.  He felt the tension like a living thing around him.  They were biding their time. 

He just had to talk to Rey when he saw her again.  He didn’t trust an encrypted channel, nor did he trust the bond.  He didn’t want to risk being overheard or surveilled.  He’d have to get away in the next few days.  In the meantime, he toyed with the idea of crushing Hux’s windpipe just a little…

They took a walk down by the water.  Nala enjoyed being outside strapped to her mother’s back.  She gurgled contentedly as they made their way down a path in the woods surrounding the far side of the lake.  It was a mild day for the season.  Soon the cold would set in.  She heard winters on this part of the planet brought plenty of snow and ice, but they were beautiful.  And dangerous.  Hangers were often closed and when the storms were severe enough, communications systems were knocked out as well. 

Rey had been trapped on one planet already.  She had no intention of letting that happen again.  It was time to move on.

The plan wasn’t exactly what she had wished for all this time, but it was more than she expected.  It wouldn’t be an immediate.  It wouldn’t be bloodless.  They began firming up the next steps and working out a timeline. 

Rey knew this had not been a decision Ben had come to overnight.  But she had seen the way he looked at her when their daughter had been growing within.  She saw the way he looked at Nala.  The softening of his features whenever he saw her had translated to an inner resolve and Rey knew very well what happened when Ben Solo had made up his mind.

They parted with his head pressed to hers before placing a reverent kiss on Nala’s head.  He lingered in the doorway for a moment.

_Ten days._

Rey loved sling she had fashioned from local textiles where she had been living.  She loved the strong, sturdy fabric and the hand dyed colors made from a deep blue berry found in the area.  It contrasted with her usual neutral colored attire.  Although she was no longer on Jakku, she had grown used to wearing the loose, light clothing and found it well fitted for her current life now that she wasn’t freezing under scavenged layers like she had when she first went away.  She just needed more pockets.  Nala required a surprising array of supplies for such a small person.  She had various small stuffed toys that rotated in preference, soft cloths for wiping perpetually sticky hands and face, saniwraps, a mouth soother, some ointment for the persistent rash on her bottom…Rey wondered if she had had a fraction of these things when she was the same age. 

Something told her that she hadn’t.

At the moment her daughter was gnawing on her stuffed Bantha.  She gummed it with slobbery abandon as they stepped off their small craft in the run down old hangar which was serving as the latest base for the Resistance.  A total relocation had taken place just a week ago, so there was a flurry of activity as equipment was still being unloaded and set up, incoming spacecraft was being assessed for damage, (the move had not been without a few skirmishes) and various droids of all shapes, sizes, and conditions moved about. 

Poe closed the space between them in a few quick strides, a guarded smile on his face as he embraced Rey.  He had gotten the encrypted message a few days ago.  She had talked to Finn, telling him almost everything.  To finally unburden herself had been such a relief.  She had not realized how much her lies and abandonment of her friends had weighed on her all this time until she was able to tell him the truth.  And as for why she was coming- She had something that would hopefully cut the war short significantly, but that was all she was able to say.

Rey unslung her daughter so that she could better show her off to the General, and Nala let out a cry of protest from being taken out of her warm, cozy place.  At three and a half months, she seemed to grow every day and Rey had to keep adjusting the sling, but she loved the feel of her daughter on her back.  She took her on supply runs, daily walks, and even when she began to train again with her staff.  It seemed sometimes that Nala was as much of a part of her now as she had been when she grew inside Rey. 

Poe fussed over the baby for a moment which brought a smile to Rey.  Even the new leader of the Resistance could not resist the Nala’s charms.  She pursed her lips at him and broke into a gummy smile.

Nala allowed herself to be held for a few moments.  She managed to grab a small fistful of Poe’s shirt and attempted to stuff some of it in her mouth.  His smile became a fraction less guarded.    

She took the datapads from her bag and handed them over.

_Everything is there.  Communications, codes, detailed plans of every dreadnought, base, ship, and service droid.  Everything you need to bring down the First Order is in your hands._

Despite the intelligence she had just given him, Rey could feel anger and disappointment came off Poe in alternating waves.  It washed over her as they stood there.  She wanted so very much for it all to be as before.  She wanted too much.  She couldn’t be their Jedi hero without losing herself in the process.  She saw that now.  She was more than a symbol. 

_You could have come to me and told me the truth that day.  You could have trusted me._

_No, I couldn’t, Poe.  How could I explain something like the Force Bond when I still don’t understand it myself?  I know Finn has told you some of it, we’ve talked about a lot in the last few days, but much of it can’t be put into words.  Had I told you the truth then, you would have seen it as a betrayal.  You are thinking it is even now- even after I’ve told you everything.  Even after we’ve given you what you need to bring down the First Order.  You will lead the Resistance to victory, General.  And when it is all over, I hope we can all build something better in its place.  But right now, I’m going to be with my family._

_He still has blood on his hands, Rey.  Your child’s father has taken countless lives across the galaxy.  I don’t know how you could ever trust Kylo Ren._

_I don’t trust Kylo Ren.  But I trust Ben Solo.  Good bye, Poe.  And may the Force be with you._

 

 

 


	9. The Long Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it forgiveness you want?
> 
> Well, I gave that to you long ago. Not for you, we both know you deserve it. For me, Ben. I did it so that I would not burn from the inside as well. I burn enough as it is.

The punishing heat hit him the moment he got out of his craft.  His clothes were too heavy and dark for this climate.  He felt trickles of perspiration on his back and chest as he walked up the hill of cracked, dry land.  Against the white-hot glare stood nine tall jagged stones about three meters tall arranged in a circle. Their silhouette was almost obscured by the brightness of the suns which were beginning their descent into the horizon.  As he got closer, he could see a lone figure shrouded in white standing in the middle of the stones.  A faint breeze, dry and hot, stirred the veil of the figure, streaming it out behind her.  She turned to face him, and he struggled to hide the shock of what he saw.

She had been naturally pale, and her skin had been ravaged by the light and heat.  It was cracked like the ground beneath her feet, only instead of a light color, her face was mottled and red.  Scabs dotted her skin where it had become so burned it had split open and bled.  What he could see of her hair was wispy and white as if the sun had bleached it of its color.  It had been red, liker her daughter’s.  Also, like her daughter, this woman’s bright blue eyes regarded him devoid of expression.  He could sense no fear in her.  He could sense nothing at all.  It was as if she had been standing among the stones for an eternity just waiting for him.

 _Ben Solo.  It has been a very long time.  Are you here to finish what you started?  Here to ensure there will never be another of my line?  If so, I regret to inform you that you are too late for that.  There is only me now.  Only me_.

How old would Dor’ayn be now?  Maybe 40 at most.  Yet the woman before him looked twice that.  She had become a mother at a young age having Sed’ar at 16 or 17.  It was common to marry and start families among her people.  But there had been nothing common about her or her daughter.  Dor’ayn could sense more than most in The Force.  And Sed’ar- Sed’ar had been nothing short of a phenomenon for her young age.

Sed’ar.

He had not said her name in over a decade.  He had not wanted to wake her ghost and add it to the others who visited his dreams. 

He had not wanted to see her walking toward him, her step light and eager to get close to him, her eyes sparkling and her long red braid bouncing over her shoulder. 

He had not wanted to see her as she must have been…after.  He did his best to banish the image now as he faced the woman.  No, he was not here to kill her.  He hoped his killing days were over.

_Yes, well, word reaches me even here.  There is no part of the galaxy that has not heard of Kylo Ren’s brutality.  Yet, I seem to recall hearing there had been some changes of late.  Slaves let go.  Letting up on the slaughter.  Being Supreme Leader at last has made you soft, apparently.  I suppose I should be grateful otherwise you’d cut me where I stand, wouldn’t you?  No, maybe not. I am not a padawan.  I am nothing to you.  Not like her._

_She loved you, you know.  The day she met you, she told me all about the big dark-haired boy who could wield a saber better than anyone.  The padawan so gifted in The Force that the others feared him.  But not her.  Never her.  She thought you were the brightest star in the galaxy.  Every holo was filled with nothing but Ben.  I’d like to think she died loving you- that it happened in her sleep so she never knew your betrayal.  Did you cut her down with your own hands, or did you let her burn in the temple that night?  I’d like to think you let her burn.  I’d like to think my only child died still adoring the boy she thought of as a brother._

He let every word cut to his core.  He deserved to let what she said tear into him. He deserved to smell the smoke from that night in his nostrils even now.  The smell of death as the bodies of those who did not become the Knights of Ren died. 

Ben could have never cut down Sed’ar.  She would have followed him, his bright-eyed girl. She would have leapt into the darkness without a word of protest because if that is where Ben Solo was going, then she’d gladly have gone too.  She was only nine, but she would have walked that path and abandoned everything she had been taught to revere just to be with him. 

He had told himself what he did was a kindness.  She never saw his betrayal.  She never saw him kill the others.  She never saw her Ben become the monster Kylo Ren.

_They didn’t allow us to see the body you know.  They sent her in thirty meters of wrapping.  Her father was stationed here, back when there was something to mine, something to exploit.  He died soon after.  They are both here.  That is why I cannot leave, Ben Solo.  That is why I stay despite my skin splitting open under these suns.  My people are far away where it is cool and wet, but I cannot go to them.  I cannot abandon them.  Come back on day, come back one day and put what is left of me in the cracked ground so that I may lie with them among these stones.  It is the least you could do.  But you are not here to listen to my last request, are you?  Nor are you here to kill me._

_Is it forgiveness you want?_

_Well, I gave that to you long ago.  Not for you, we both know you deserve it.  For me, Ben.  I did it so that I would not burn from the inside as well.  I burn enough as it is._

_You can go knowing I do not long for your demise.  The dark side has a way of doing that eventually, but I get the feeling you are trying to extricate yourself from it, and there must be quite a compelling reason._

_Whoever she is, she must be extraordinary to turn you away from all you have held sacred for so long._

_Do not look so surprised._

_Only love can do this.  Only love is powerful enough._

_Go.  Go to the light.  Live your life.  And don’t forget to come back and lay me with my family._

_It won’t be long._

He left her as he found her- keeping vigil among the bones of her dead under the suns of a desolate and unforgiving planet-  the cool rains of her own home now a distant memory.

 

 


	10. Home

It was by the water which he knew she had wanted. There were frothing waves, rocks, tide pools, ever changing patterns in the sand, small trilling sea birds running along the shore with impossibly thin legs, scuttling creatures which Rey was sure to intrigue Nala as she watched them moving across the sand with their spiny shells clacking away…every footstep would be an adventure for them. Rey stood on the beach picturing their daughter taking intrepid strides as she held her mother’s hand. She’d be walking before they knew it. Beyond the beach were dunes whispering with tall purple grasses as the wind swept through. A few hundred meters down was a hidden place where luminescent creatures lit the shallow waters at night. Above, clouds scudded by sometimes obscuring the suns.

There was rain, green growing things beyond the dunes, rolling fields dotted with occasional trees, and covered with lumbering beasts pawing at the ground with six cloven feet, and beyond that, the faintest outline of a city skyline. Near the house, a tree defied the jutting cliffs and looked so old that Rey imagined it had been there before any humanoids had walked the planet’s surface. The house rose from the rocky cliff itself. Long ago, it had been carved from stone. It was a ramshackle thing with an old stone fireplace, soft woven rugs covering the well-worn flagstone floors. There were quiet corners, meandering passages which led to cozy rooms for sleeping and meditation. There was not a wall or panel of durasteel to be found in the entire place. Parts of it had been updated with current technology. Parts of it looked untouched for generations. Overall, the house was something from another age. It had been home to the same family for as far back as anyone in the area could remember, but then became abandoned for reasons no one seemed to know. It had sat there, empty and forlorn looking, waiting for another family to inhabit it. Rey looked out at the old (real glass!) windows at the ocean and thought of Ach-To.

The water here would be too cold for swimming this time of year, but soon it would get warmer and she’d learn. She pictured Nala paddling in the shallow pools with her. Ben had put careful thought into choosing this planet, this hemisphere, this house. She had loved it all from the moment they landed. The holos didn’t do it justice. They were in a part of the galaxy much removed from anywhere or anything important. This particular planet had nothing worth mining or exploiting for the First Order to bother with it. Most considered it too small and dull to visit or conquer. A handful of small cities, more trees and livestock through most parts than people, and where they were, even the connection to the holonet could be interrupted by storms. It was the perfect place for the young dark-haired couple who wanted a quiet place to raise their child.

There hadn’t been much to pack with them. All of Rey’s belonging could still fit in a single bag. Nala grew out of her clothes so fast that they had left most of them behind. She clutched her stuffed Wookie as she looked over her mother’s shoulder from the sling. It had taken some maneuvering to land the their small craft since the dunes and hills made finding a flat surface a challenge. Rey didn’t mind the walk. She took in the sea and sky, ran her hands over the tops of the purple grass, and listened to the lowing of the animals in the fields. The narrow path to the door had become overgrown with disuse, but a faint outline remained. Ben walked behind her, carrying the few things he had brought with him. There hadn’t been much he wanted from his old life. A datapad, a holoplayer, some extra saniwraps for Nala, and a small box with a ring inside. The metal and stone matched the one in the necklace he had given Rey when Nala was born. When the time was right, he’d take her to the nearby cove at night. When the time was right, he’d ask her if she’d have his name. For now, he watched as Rey put in the access code and the front door opened. We’re home.


End file.
